I don’t know how to be a creative even though I wanted to be one for the longest.
Creating felt like freedom. What freedom meant to me continually evolved as I grew up but at its core, the dream never changed. In all the lives I envisioned, I always would write. I proclaimed it in all my notebooks in first grade. I was loud with my ambitions throughout high school. and I didn’t stop creating.
and back then it felt cute, now at times can it feel a bit daunting.
Because to survive as a creative in this world must it come with some structure. Meaning. Dreaming is like the fuel for the engine. But the car has many parts. It needs tuning, oiling, and all this maintenance for you to drive.*
I am not disciplined enough. I set deadlines for myself and then ignore them anyway. I think too much of the outcome. I question my present actions and wonder how this may affect my career ahead. I question what I choose to put out after doing so. Is it too sad? Too political? Too repetitive? Will I regret it later?
I write about the same things. But when will it become old and tiring?
I don’t know my style or niche.
I want one day for someone to look at my work and know it has my touch all over it. The same way I look at the directors, authors, poets, musicians, and know. But I have no aesthetic. At least not in the way some artists do.
My work feels like an accumulation and dump of all the genres I love, and it’s just not there yet. But what does that even mean? How would I even know if I quit?
By spending all my energy worrying about what my actions could mean for my future career, or if my work is good enough, or showing my sense of style — these things only stop me from creating.
It’s like scaring yourself before you go on stage. You didn’t even give yourself the chance to fail. You’re paralyzed, and it gets in the way of things happening.
which is why I must:
reinvent the narrative
Sometimes I distract myself from doing anything creative. Because it was okay to put things I love on the back burner and attend to all other needs. Not knowing it was like putting a part of myself in the shadows as well.
It’s an excuse constantly given in order to justify why I don’t create.
What I create is only going to be important to me, so until I treat it of such importance would it matter.
Life’s nothing like the movies - The Fabelmans
In the movies, the main character always makes it.
I’ve been deceived that being creative has an end goal. That there is some finish line to all of this. How can I apply a formula to something that isn’t formulaic at all?
You just need that one big yes! but what if it’s just a lot of nonverbal signs, not yeses, a lot of no’s and different routes, what if there’s no exact destination?
I can dream of personal goals I’d like to reach. Think of careers from others I’d wish to mirror. But that concluding destination doesn’t really exist. And that path I read about in various interviews and on Wikipedia, never exactly looks the same.
so I don’t know what it looks like and will never know because my path is solely mine. because just like skin products, what works for one person may not work for another.
sometimes I’m scared of telling people my dreams just in case it doesn’t happen
So what if nothing ever works for me?
I honestly don’t think that could ever be true. It may not work this time, it may not work that way, but the new narrative is that as long as I am creating and making what I love, it is working. I must tell myself I am a writer when I’m not creating my best work, not getting recognized, or paid. Creativity shouldn’t only be validated until you’ve met all the marks in your ambitious plans.
in my last post, I explained how love is embarrassing. well so is chasing your dreams!
It’s about constantly pushing myself. Not waiting for any response but also wanting, desiring, and wishing for something more that only comes with growth.
But to do so you’re putting yourself out there. Practice doesn’t happen without doing. It will feel like people are watching what becomes of you and your work in real time. and there’s not always a standing ovation.
it’s almost insane how you can believe in yourself and simultaneously not be proud of yourself. be proud of yourself. always. because you’ve made it this far. and you didn’t have to. you made it this far and if there’s no destination, it means you can’t be proud of yourself then if you can’t be proud of yourself now.
there’s no such thing as little wins.
going back to the beginning
Often I reflect on my why. Because with everything that comes my way, some things feel pointless. But when I reflect and remember — do I feel again.
Why do I do it? To keep it short. It’s like magic in my heart and I want that magic to always stay with me. I write for the girl who couldn’t feel the world under her feet. because it was in her hands.
i think it’s a blessing we get to live in a creative world. after all, god was the first.
I will never be satisfied.
And I will never know how to be a creative because it’s just something I am. We are all creative. We all use our imaginations for different things. I know what I want to use mine for and should never feel bad for what I want.
guilt is a wasted emotion - The Fabelmans
The least I can try to do is what I love. I can keep throwing things until they stick on the canvas. the soul-defining portfolio. or a better way to look at it as just an accumulation of the words of my heart.
writers love writing about writing. which is why I chose to split this essay into a series. it will be silly word vomit, references to the obsessed artists in my favorite films, maybe even repetitive in nature, with a lot of yearning, and questions I’m still figuring out the answers to.
but hopefully something you can resonate with.
stick around to see what becomes of it.
*do not know why I used this analogy - I don’t have a car
if you would like to see more of my work on creating in the meantime, read here.