I wonder if God ever looks down on me and laughs. Shakes his head simply and says, “She don’t even know what is coming next. Because when it comes, she won’t remember the pain of the tears she wept.”
I like planning for the new year.
After given a few weeks to rest during break it’s quite easy for me to tune into my more hopeful energetic self. The cynic inside me dims during this time because it knows it won’t be able to outshine. The new year is just another marking point I can use to reflect (the only difference is that we’re all doing it at the same time). This point is wrapped with the “promises of change”.
I used to think I loved change. When I’m done with a phase or chapter in my life, I urged for a physical change. New piercing, some hair dye, another hyper fixation, new style. Something different.
I was wrong. I do not like change.
As much pride I take in how adaptable and flexible I can be, I never settle down too deep. I’ll avoid reaching for deep because of knowing how deep I can go. I detached myself from reality because then things were easier to consume. So, I put this facade that I can deal with change, but only if it’s the one I can see coming and can control.
There’s only so much you can control.
Instead of focusing on what I can’t control, I’ll focus on what I can create and let the rest fall into place. That’s what I’m taking into the new year.
No pressure to reinvent into this new person but creating space to allow myself to grow.
I rearranged my room to fall in love with life again.
But I hated every second of the process. It started with excitement, because it is something I don’t usually do. Then I was hit with the anxiety, overwhelmed with how the outcome was going to turn out. I was annoyed even though I knew I could simply put everything back to where it was before. I was annoyed by the effort and time taken to do something I wasn’t completely sure of. But I stuck it through.
I was laying my head in a place that used to bring comfort but turned to a place that was no longer safe. I couldn’t run away from this place nor throw everything I own away, but I could transform it into a new space.
Once done, the pain was gone. There were no regrets. The agitation from the process was long forgotten because of how much joy it brought.
I learned how with real change I’ll go through so much discomfort first and I must be okay with this. That no matter how much pain I hold it doesn’t compare to the love.
I see my mother in me. Very trusting. I watched people hurt her, walk over and took for granted the very thing that made her who she is. My mother is very loving and trusting, she will go deep, and this is why she is the strongest woman I know.
You can’t hide such energy to protect yourself from hurt. Loving less should not be the option. But we can be deliberate in the space we create around ourselves. Who we choose to spend time with, the actions we choose to bring us joy, places we are our authentic selves.
It can get confusing as there will be those who hold love against you like a noose around your neck.
Claim their claws are warm hands to hold. Punish you for being who you are with commentary laced with flattery and bitterness. Show support for favor in return. And if you feel you must constantly prove yourself, remember as you grow the ones you share your space with should hold even your weakest petals with care. Because love is never suffocating.
I know many people have their reservations around this time period and express how overrated it can be. But I hope with the changes you desire they bring you much joy. I hope you don’t burden yourself with expectations but instead create space to grow.
in hiding will return in 2023.