I just turned twenty-one so you can be assured I’m quite qualified in this subject.
And my mind keeps circling back to the word, “failure.”
I don’t try to use that term. It’s harsh. It’s a slap in the face. But when it’s all I can think about, I don’t want to ignore. But face it head on.
So, let’s start!
1. Failure to society
This is the easiest because no person can be a dignified perfect being that is accepted everywhere, by everyone. But in my own context, not everyone fails society (because of conformity or at least the act of trying to conform). Basically, this was the easiest personally because I wanted to fail.
In my head, a person who could exist in this boundless fluid entity that is sought only through your soul, wouldn’t meet the societal criteria. The criteria are focused on flesh, materialism, ego and other substances that won’t fill up the heart.
Am I this ethereal floating being? No, of course not. But I know as I grow there are certain aspects I don’t want to become of me. I don’t want to be a vessel so hollow thus filled with what everyone else may think would make me happy. I would like to understand myself and connect better not only with my own soul but what the universe offers.
2. Failure to parents
First, I believe my parents love and are proud of me no matter what (at least that is what I would like to believe).
I also know my truest form is a failure to them.
She doesn’t think and hold on tight to the same ideologies they do. She doesn’t dress the way they would like for her to present herself. They always had something to say about her hair. They’d have something to say about the tattoos if they knew.
She isn’t studying medicine and engineering is not enough. She is quite selfish. She wants to write for her whole life, but they don’t fight her too much on that anymore. Because they were waiting for the real world to snuff it out, but it didn’t happen.
If they could build a daughter. It wouldn’t be me. I’m too wayward. Not focused enough on their broken dreams and how to fix it. Not religious enough. Too much of an attitude. Outspoken and stands up for things they don’t believe in.
But they love me though.
And I know as I continue to grow truer to the person I am, it will disappoint them.
3. Failure to yourself
I bet you thought number two was the killer, but nope. That was something I may have struggled with (and continue to do so) but have always accepted. This number three is new, something I recently discovered.
That I feel like I’m failing myself.
And that’s worse than failing any loved one, partner or person because I actually have to live with myself for the rest of my life.
I guess because I couldn’t fulfill everyone else’s goals, I created my own.
I gave myself hard deadlines. I planned and planned again. I fueled myself with spite of having no support system.
My goals were to make me happy. They were to bring me joy! Free me!
But I am sad all the fucking time. At least with anger there is passion.
It’s not even about not meeting the self-imposed deadlines. It’s like I see myself making mistakes I should’ve learned from. I see myself not applying as hard as I normally would for something.
I am not living up to the person in my head.
Solution
So, one day I thought —
and what if not only letting go of the expectations others hold. I let go of the ones I hold for myself.
Because all it enabled was guilt, festered frustration and led me tearing myself apart all the time. It’s pathetic! Because though I am 21, I felt like I was failing myself.
That doesn’t make any sense.
Part of me is scared of being perceived because of how I perceived myself. So now I am just going to perceive her with no judgement/expectations/guilt. Is this a great solution? Freeing myself from my goals. I don’t know.
I just know that what was meant to free me, made me feel bound. So, it’s time to let go of it all.
Dilemma - Will the excuse “you’re being too hard on yourself” become an actual excuse and not a saving statement?
Some of my thoughts since turning 21 and letting go
It’s raining and I’m walking with a 72 count of Dayquil/Nyquil in my hands, and I skipped class and though the world is gloomy, I love it. I remember how it is to love life again.
I miss my Momma’s food. Someone who made sure there was always something to eat. Labor not from my own hands that I can enjoy. Just to be tended to, wrapped in comfort, is what I miss.
I hate that my piercings don’t heal properly. That I get bumps, soreness, itchiness. I want more and that’s the reason I’m hesitant. I might still get more.
I want to move to NYC with nothing but my records
None of the posters in my room are straight and I’m okay with that.
My friend and I spoke about when it comes to loving girls there’s more effort and I think it’s because more opening of yourself. Not easy but love never is.
I can tell when my mom is having nightmares about me. She will never tell me them. So, I imagine the worst.
Sometimes it mentally hurts to respond to a text/email that wouldn’t take up to two minutes of my time
I fear dependency but I haven’t slept in my room for three days
Just because I don’t do A or B doesn’t mean I’m a failure
and I know I can’t clean my stains so it’s either hide or embrace
I’m scared I’ll wake up feeling wrong after confessing my feelings
maybe being a writer means being delusional
I don’t want to regret the person I am next year because this is the future “past me” was holding onto
the future she cried for
the one she wanted to die for
Part of me didn’t want to write about the negative feelings I go through because words are powerful, and I like to believe it’s my source of magic in a way.
But if there’s one thing I do try to strive in, it’s being honest and that’s power.
I wrote some of my thoughts out and shared them. Some to let go, some to embrace, some to just acknowledge. Even the parts of me I want to hide are beautiful.
I don’t know the point of this whole essay. But if anything rung true for you, I would like to let you know —
You are not a failure.
You made it this far and there’s so much more! That more is better. And it’s time to transform those thoughts so you are able to receive it. Love you tons. Thank you.
I love this🫶 it’s epic and thrilling